Dear Grandma,
Today marks 19 years gone and I still feel it in my chest. I was 19 years old and a freshman at Fisk University. I thought the world was supposed to end when you left. I guess in a way, it kinda did. But I never thought I was supposed to do life without you ever until 19 years ago today.
You were the largest champion of my voice and all my various talents. You realized that something about me was so different and not only sought to protect it in me, but to teach me how to protect in myself. It’s your voice I hear when I need to make a decision (and sometimes your voice coming out of my mouth when pushed too far). If I said “Ma, I think I can sing that”, you told me to just do it. If I failed, you didn’t ridicule me for not being perfect and tell me to give up, you told me to figure out WHY I failed and to try again until I got it the way that I wanted.
You were always the only person to actually HEAR me and let me truly just feel my emotions without trying to tell me what they SHOULD be. You encouraged me to find different ways to express all these emotions into something constructive, whether it was writing, singing, dancing, or reading. You rewarded me for my academic achievements with my favorite foods and always made sure that I felt special on my birthday. You loved ME, the wild and crazy brainy child, and only wanted to make sure you kept this little girl safe in every way.
I look back over everything I have managed to accomplish over the last 19 years and almost can’t believe it myself. I REALLY did do the crazy things I told you I wanted to do when I was a child. I really am living the very life I said I wanted. I didn’t want to do it without you, but I also realize that I didn’t do it without you either. You have been with me every step of the way, guiding me in ways that I can never explain in any logical way. I still randomly start crying when I think of how much I want you next to me for all my accomplishments. I still uncontrollably sob every time I hear “One Sweet Day” and I haven’t been able to sing it without crying since 2007.
After today, I will have spent more days without you than with you in this lifetime. That’s such a bittersweet moment for me, because on one hand it means that I am truly growing and evolving into the woman I have always envisioned. But on the other hand it means that I must accept I am no longer a child longing to be heard and loved. Now it’s my turn to create safe spaces for souls like mine to thrive. Now it’s my turn to encourage the next generation to not just dream big, but to achieve BIGGER.
I miss you more everyday with my entire soul, Ma. But I will forever and always love you more.
