Dedicated to Amie, Chase, Andrez, Javi and Cart 21
Thank you for loving me authentically
😘
Now that the big day is over, I can take the time to reflect on my experience at Super Bowl LX.
This Super Bowl was extremely different for me than in years pasts because this was the first year that I did not have a personal connection in any way to the halftime show. I am not Latina, I don't speak fluent Spanish, and I am unapologetically a country black girl from North Carolina. And that is the EXACT reason that I wanted to do it this year:
To be able to view the show in a much more objective manner than I had in years prior.
Last year in New Orleans with Kendrick Lamar felt spiritual on a level that is hard to describe. To be able to see your culture, YOURSELF, represented on the world's largest stage that YOU helped to build as you watch history in REAL time sticks in your heart forever.
Being on the sideline of the halftime show at the Super Bowl is something that NO ONE can ever take away from you, no matter how hard they try. YOU were there, YOU helped to build it, YOU are part of history. Its such a powerful high and to have had the privilege and honor to do it not just being sideline for your childhood and culture on display not once, but FOUR times always feels like a fever dream.
It's the type of experience that, while absolutely exhilarating in the moment, is isolating in the long run. There are not many people that can say that they have even been to a Super Bowl, let alone on the field for the halftime. Every time I came back from working the show, the range of the responses would always go from feigned excitement to outright resentment. Its not an accomplishment that many people want to celebrate and the more of them you do, the less people care. That doesn't even include the people that CONSTANTLY tell you they are going to “try to be there NEXT year” and never take the time to actually do it.
The amount of absolute disdain I experienced last year in preparation of Super Bowl LIX in New Orleans left me feeling hollow and empty. My personal life was a complete mess that seemed to only get more complicated the more people realized that I never lie about my intentions or goals. My own sister betrayed me prior to showing up in New Orleans and left me scrambling to figure everything out. I was constantly bounced around, ignored, or straight up ridiculed. While I managed to make the best of the situation on the outside, on the inside I was completely broken.
I stopped posting on social media and changed my phone number. I took the time for myself, intentionally staying low key and out the way. I wanted to remind myself why I was in entertainment and what my end goal has always been: to bring people joy.
The closer it came to time for Super Bowl LX, the more my anxiety started to heighten. I had no concept of Bad Bunny at all. The only thing that I understood is that this was about Latin culture in a time when their culture was being attacked. They didn't need my opinion or thoughts on what they should and shouldn't do for the show. They needed my SUPPORT as an ally, my UNDERSTANDING as a member of a marginalized community of what this night means for THEM.
I walked into the very first rehearsal extremely nervous. I had cut off EVERYONE, unfollowed and unfriended EVERYONE in an effort to find MY joy again. I had no idea if any of my friends from previous years would or would not be there. I also had spent the year since New Orleans in practical isolation, so suddenly being back in a community of people made me fear the absolute disdain I had experienced the year previous.
I (TRIED) to sit off in a corner, away from everyone. I (TRIED) to avoid most conversations with people because I didn't have the energy. I just wanted to WATCH everything and soak in that I was there. I was just there to learn the logistics of production. That's it.
It turned into a lesson on being my authentic, unapologetic self out loud.
My friends from previous years immediately noticed the shift in my energy and ALL of them expressed a level of concern that surprised me. But all of them respecting my space because they UNDERSTOOD made me emotional. These are people that I only see ONCE a year for 2 weeks of rehearsals and then we all depart back to our regular lives. For them to be able to SEE and UNDERSTAND me better than people who claim they care about me felt like a redemption from New Orleans. I cried once I got back to my hotel room after the first two rehearsals because it was the first time in years that people were concerned about ME and not whatever persona they wanted me to be. It felt like I had suddenly come up for air and could breathe again.
By the third rehearsal, I was slowly back to feeling like ME again. I was no longer trying to intentionally isolate myself for emotional safety. My cart this year, CART 21, was a blessing and I felt so grateful that I was in a position to be able to return that blessing so that they could have this experience to cherish forever (even if in the end we didn't get to do it because of production). With most people on my cart doing this for the very first time and also have a personal connection to the artist, I wanted to make sure it was special for them the exact same way that someone made sure my first Super Bowl experience was perfect. I was back in my element because I was doing what I love to do: spread joy.
Unfortunately, while that sentiment seemed to be all fine and good during rehearsals (for the most part. I could tell that there were a few folks in production getting really irritated by me and not making any attempt to hide it), it seemed to be something that those in charge of Super Bowl LX did NOT want on the actual game day.
In fact, what truly made this Super Bowl so extremely different was how much of an emphasis there seemed to be on control versus having fun with the experience. Every rehearsal was someone saying to do something and then telling you to do the exact opposite in the very next breathe, no one seemed to know anything that was going on, and there was a VERY clear disregard for FTMs this year.
Despite the fact that the FTMs were the ones responsible for making sure the stage was on the field for the show, they wanted to lock up our phones and make us kneel BEHIND the press for Game Day DURING the show. We never once got to see the full show all the way through, with the only full run through being completed while we were on the ground instead of in the stands (and we couldn't see anything through the grass people).
There was no police escort for the crew this year, resulting in the some of the buses getting lost on the way into the stadium and an FTM having to step in to make sure we all got to the correct destination since there was no one on staff on the buses.
It was obvious that food was not a priority since the breakfast burritos were nasty and the Chick-Fil-A given to us once we got to the stadium was completely cold (them giving us Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday was already a bad sign that they hadn't thought about feeding the people needed to put the stages on the field). Security was concerned about the facial recognition scans needed to get the wristbands for the field, but not making sure they had enough wristbands on hand so that we could get ready for the Green Day pre-game show.
This year's Game Day felt so impersonable and cold compared to years past. It felt like the only people that WANTED to be there were the FTMs and all the production staff was just going through the motions of getting the show over and done. The normal buzz of excitement while waiting outside felt muted, almost as if being openly joyful was not going to be tolerated. The message felt clear: you are here to WORK, not ENJOY….which baffled me because while I don't know Spanish, I understood the symbolism of Bad Bunny's performance. And there was a CLEAR theme of being openly JOYFUL and celebrating life.
And then it was all over.
Everything went so fast that I was back in my hotel room before the start of the 4th quarter of the game. It felt surreal to walk in and see the field that I had JUST been standing on STILL have the game being played on it. It felt strange to have no desire to go out and party when in years past that was the entire point of Game Day. It felt weird to know that I would not be seeing the people that I had spent the better part of 2 weeks with, in the stadium for 13 hour days, for anymore rehearsals.
We all are apart of an experience that only WE can fully understand and appreciate. We all loved and laughed authentically and out loud. We all experienced JOY being on that field and got to express it in our own ways. For one night, we all worked, danced, sang, cried, screamed, and, most importantly authentically LOVED our way into the history.
Exactly as Benito intended for us to do.
“Y si estoy hoy aquí en la Super Bowl 60, es porque nunca, NUNCA dejé de creer en mí mismo. Y ustedes también deberían creer en sí mismos. Valen más de lo que piensan. Créanme”
😘